Talk:Just My Nightmare/@comment-27007772-20150503044332
I am doing a paragraph-by-paragraph review for this pasta. Underneath the review will be author's tips and insight on the story as well as a score. _____________________________________________________________ Review 1- The phrasing and perspective of the story thus far is odd. It's not bad, but it is off slightly. Though, it does remind me of ancient Paganistic folklore, as this was the same writing style used within those stories. The creature description is reminiscent of the Wendigo as well, and I can't help but think you at least got inspiration by these types of fables. 2- This is where the writing style begins to fall apart. It seems moreso now like an odd attempt at replicating those elder stories. The first sentence is also a major run-on sentence that carries on far too long. 3- Human veins are blue-ish red with a yellow fat coating. Also, this now seems as if it was the monologue of a Black Metal singer. Dark, depressing, but attracting in a way. 4- The run-on sentences continue here, only now it seems you merged two of them. I'm speaking of the last sentence in this paragraph of course. 5- Seriously, you may want to look into writing Black Metal lyrics. 6- Calling a creature "That thing" and using ellipsies are both common flaws in the Creepypasta Community. Please refrain from these things. 7- The reveal here was done fairly well. More than acceptation. 8- A few needed commas, and a few awkwardly worded sentences really weaken the immersion I was feeling. It is not completely ruined, however. 9- A story told in this person can NOT kill off the main character in this way. It puts a major plot hole in the story. The wording here is also faulty in a few positions. 10- Disregard the killing off the main character quote above. This may have majorly worked in the Creepypasta's favor. 11- This twist was something that could have been great, but was short thrown by awkward phrasing and a not-so-great delivery. _____________________________________________________________ Author's Tips 1) Dialogue should be in separate lines, not part of the paragraph. 2) Character's thoughts should be treated as dialogue, and follow the same rule as such. I do appreciate you made thoughts in italics, so that I could at least specify when he /she was thinking. 3) "That Thing" is a very cliche way to describe a monster after an obvious attempt at a big description. 4) Ellipsis, aka "....." are a common pet peeve. 5) Work on phrasing and wording. The wording here reminds me of Paganistic folklore, and that is wonderful, but a few sections do not use good grammar at all. _____________________________________________________________ Final Review and Score You did a good job at conveying emotion through text here. The darkness of the story feels as if it was straight from a Black Metal album, and the depressing overtones are refreshing in a community where they are always tried, but usually failed. Grammar has some issues, and awkward phrasing liters the story, but it wasn't enough to break my immersion. 7.5/10, for a good take and good feeling.